Sunday, 21 November 2010

The Missing Child

It's been a hard few years. It shouldn't have been like this. But this is how it is when you get an idea in your head. Life doesn't always work out the way you intended. Life doesn't just happen the way you plan. The best laid plans don't always work out.

When I grew up I used to talk to my dad a lot. He told me over and over to marry someone who wanted as many children as I did - mainly because my mum wanted more than he did. I did exactly that - in fact I think he'd probably like even more children than I would!

When our son was 2 years old we decided he needed a brother or sister. Three and a half years later we are still waiting for that baby and emotionally I have moved on to the next one. In my head babies should be 2-3 years apart. I know it's not always the case - I don't have to look far to see something different - but in my head it's always been part of the plan.

It's really painful - a lot of people don't understand that. Many think those who find infertility difficult are those who never had a baby before or those who had them removed and taken into care. But it still hurts. I am so glad our son is part of my life. Without him my life would be half as rich. But there is something missing. When I was growing up I assumed I would have 3 children and since I had my son I have even wondered if I would have more than 3.

There is not a day goes when I don't think about it. I can't deny that my career has benefited from the gap in having children. My son and husband have benefited from increased money I can bring in and I have also benefited from education I have gained which, undoubtedly I couldn't have if we had been successful in having another baby. But I feel I was born to have children rather than to be a career woman. However, if I am to be unsuccessful having further children I don't want to die having not furthered my career. Who knows where I will end up, how successful I will be? I want to live my life to the full - not at the expense of having several children but not to spend my life chasing an impossible dream.




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